We have been having nothing but problems with my the in home hospice place that my mom has been using. The first nurse she had was just completely unprofessional. She did not make sure that all of mom's medicines were ordered on time, she basically put my mom on bed rest when I honestly don't believe it was time yet and pumped her full of pain medicine. After that nurse we got a nurse on the complete opposite end of the spectrum, who said that Mom did not need to be on all the pain medicine she was on. She claimed that terminal heart patients with Mom's diagnoses do not get pain from the disease. She decided to take Mom off of all of her pain medicine, and tried to get her into a hospice in patient facility to detox, after taking all of Mom's other medicine out of her control and designated me as the one to administer her heart pills. Mom was very combative and said some very hurtful things to everyone. She went into the in patient facility for one night and then began throwing things and then was sent home. She was however still detoxing, so we had to take her to the hospital. When we got to the hospital, we waited 4 and a half hours to get her into a room. We were then told that Mom's new nurse was full of it and that she should not have had her pain medicine taken away. At that point we did not know what to believe, but Mom was hell bent on getting a new nurse after that hospital visit. So we did just that, and Mom now has pain medicine again. However, her new nurse is no better than the first nurse we had, if anything she is even worse. We have the same issue with her medicine not being ordered on time and to make it even worse, we can not ever get in touch with the nurse when there are questions or concerns. So now we are trying to find a different hospice to work with. It has just been one head ache after another with these people.
My dad's health has not been in the best shape either. The week of Christmas he was in the hospital with Pancreatitis, he got out on Christmas day. While he was in the hospital, his first born son, my half brother, passed away. Since then, he has been having blood circulation problems in his left leg. Yesterday he went in the hospital to have a stint put in, but it was in such bad shape, they are going to have to do a bypass surgery. His diabetes has also gotten worse and is now having to take insulin shots in the stomach twice a day. Because of that, he can no longer drive a truck, as it is against DOT regulations. So on top of all of his health issues, everything going on with Mom, and losing his son, he is also looking at losing his job.
My full blood brother just recently had a medicine induced seizure, fell, and cracked his skull. It is only a hairline fracture in the back of his skull, but none the less it scared all of us to death, especially me. I am very close to my brother, I have always looked up to him, admired him, and he is one of my best friends. With everything else that has been going on with me, I almost had a nervous breakdown. Luckily, he is okay and on his way to recovery.
On top of all of this my husband has been out of a job twice in the past year, and has still not found a new job. Our lease is about to be up on the place we are renting. We were planning on getting a cheaper place that we can afford on our own, in the event something happens to Mom. If we are not able to move and we have to stay here, and something happens to Mom, we will not be able to afford this place. However, with my husband being out of work, there is no possible way for us to find a place. So we are kind of backed into a corner on that front.
All of this has most definitely taken a toll on me. I feel so conflicted and guilty because I want so badly to have a life of my own. The reason that makes me feel so guilty is because I know the only way that can happen is for Mom to pass on, as I am her primary care giver. I am not able to get a job, a house for just my husband and I... I have not lived with my husband alone since we got married. We only lived alone in an apartment for 6 months during our whole relationship. I feel guilty for wanting my own life, and that is a terrible feeling. I don't know what to do or how to cope with everything. All I can do is keep pushing, and praying that soon, things will start to look up for me and my family.
